This is going to be a complaining post
so I am warning you in advance. Don't read it and leave a comment about why don't I stop complaining and do something about my situation. I am doing something- complaining. Why? because then I can move on to solutions. If I get it out of my head, I will be free of the dirt of it so I can find the seed.

So I have these kids. I am always letting them get away will crap and making excuses for them. Why? because I am lazy. I feel guilty if I don't bring them everywhere with me because I don't spend enough time with them.
This is an excuse. I spend all of my time with them.
I fear so much for them that I end up doing exactly what I fear most. Turning them into little criminals. Or worse.
The thing is, I don't have enough time alone to take care of myself. When I do have the time, I take care of them, even though I convince myself- half heartedly, that I am doing what needs to be done.
For example, cleaning their rooms, doing their laundry, finding their lost library materials, cleaning their messes.
I can't find a balance.
I am trying to do some things for myself to boost my energy and take care of my health.
Drinking water instead of soda pop.
Eating lower fat snacks. Pretzels instead of Ding-Dongs. Growing vegetables which I will eventually eat if the rabbits don't get to them first.

Trying to pretend/show that I care about my 17 year old more- because it don't really know how I could care MORE about him- It probably isn't possible.
I just don't know how to prove it to him.

I always had this fantasy that letting children be themselves is the best thing I can do for them. I guess I was wrong. You have to teach them who they "are" and then let them rebel against it until they are old enough to either be who they want to be or go to therapy to figure out who they were supposed to be. I am somewhere in the middle of that myself, so I am having trouble. It is a conundrum.

So that is my rant for now. I hope to straighten things out a little bit at a time.

A post!

I am trying to get myself to write more. My goal in life is to eventually write a whole book.
It is hard for me to just sit down and do it. I am always worrying about what else needs to be done.
And when I do feel like writing, I don't have the proper supplies- it is usually while I am doing something where it is impossible to stop and write. I wish I had headphones I could wear that attach to an ipod type thing that records my thoughts. Like the reverse phone number look-up. Maybe in a few more years. I know I could get a little tape recorder but everyone would think I was mental. I know, who cares? but I would get fired.

Which one will you be?


“All parents damage their children.
It cannot be helped.
Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers.
Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhood
completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
-Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

girls- summer 2007

girls- summer 2007
Originally uploaded by jainarane

These are my 2 cutey patooties. They are older now.

New for today.

Justin 4/16/90 Traell 4/14/96

I haven't blogged in a long time. I really don't have much to say.
Next week I will be the mother of a 12 year old and an 18 year old.
That is a lot to deal with at one time.
My 12 yr old is not growing up fast enough,
but my 18 yr old grew up to damn fast!
That was a combination of his and my fault.
I hope he is doing well and he is happy, but I fear that he is not being realistic.
I am past the point of lecturing him. He is a "grown-ass-man" now.

It is time for him to realize that the world doesn't owe him anything.
No matter what you have been through in life, we are all basically in the same boat.
The world is not going to be there to catch you.
The only thing you can count on is yourself and your faith,
so make sure you have some, in something.

Happy Birthday, BOYS!

wishlist

WISHLIST!

visit kaboodle.com Jainarane

Vanished!

My other blog host has disappeared. I hope it is some temporary fluke because I just upgraded my account! Apparently, the whole domain is gone! Please be a fluke or I will just scream!! I don't know what the heck this is a picture of. I found it in my files and it pretty much sums up how I feel. Strange how these things happen. There are too many coincidences for them to all be coincidences. Just think... I might have to become an actual Blogger blogger. Maybe it is for the best...but I had some really cool stuff on there! Waaaaaaa!